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2006-05-21T12:17:00.000-04:00

The Saurly Yours blog. Sadly, I've been too swamped lately to write much in this blog, but I blog daily in the other one. Thanks for visiting!

Group Stories

2006-01-04T20:05:00.000-05:00

Avast, Ye Land Lubbers!
Compiled from the story at http://franklysaurkraut.blogspot.com/2005/10/avast-ye-land-lubbers.html Written on 10/1/5.

Saur: Although One Eyed Joe was feared among his men, he was feared by others even more. His cruelty was renown and One Eyed Joe never took prisoners, unless there was a ransom involved. He was careful where he put to port, because he was wanted in almost every country where he would immediately be put to death. In England it would be by hanging, in France - the guillotine. One Eyed Joe was too fond of his own neck to take unneccesarry risks, so he often sought harbor in islands and other out-of-the-way places.

This evening, One Eyed Joe put to port so that he could replenish his stores. He was running out of rum, and they had no limes left. With no limes, his crew ran the risk of scurvy and he couldn't have that. He needed a relatively healthy crew.

As always, the men had been warned to be careful. They knew that their ship was to be referred to as "The Red Rose", and their captain was merely known as "Gentleman Joe." They had already gone ashore with just a skeleton crew left aboard. One Eyed Joe had supervised the loading of the new stores all afternoon. Now it was time for him to go ashore as well, and have a little fun.

"Rawk! Trouble tonight, trouble tonight!" squawked a beautiful multi-colored parrot. "Arr, Polly," said One Eyed Joe, as he removed her from her perch in his cabin. "It's time to hit the town."

Tabasamu said...
The evening air was stale and hot. Musty smells emanated from the docks as One Eyed Joe passed discarded barrels and coiled thickly-braided hemp ropes. Polly shifted restlessly on his shoulder. "Rawk! Trouble Tonight!" she repeated, and squawked again. Her croaks echoed among the docked ships as One Eyed Joe passed them by...

Fred said...
... as he went into town. Joe had several pubs that he always visited; he needed to find women and alcohol. He stopped in the first two, grabbing prostitutes and trying to get them to come back to the ship with him. He promised adventure and liquor, hoping to entice them to say yes. Each time, he failed. “No problem”, he thought, "I’ll get me a woman at the next pub."

He left the second pub and went to the third, which was known as Magpies. It was an unusual pub; it was owned by someone rumored to be in the clergy. One Eyed Joe really didn’t care, he just wanted more alcohol and a few women to take care of him.But, things would go horribly wrong at Magpies. He turned around and saw...

snicksnack said...
Friar Parsifal. One Eyed Joe had had a run-in with Friar Parsifal before. Everyone knew that Catholic clergy was nothing to mess with. They had started the Spanish Inquisition. They were intimately acquainted with all forms of medieval torture, or so the rumors went.

Saurkraut said...
Since One Eyed Joe had already found a table, he felt it wise to stay put. Getting up and leaving immediately would be very obvious. People would notice.

Mr. Gator said...
Argh, there she blows, One Eyed Joe thought that’s the kind of booty I’ve been looking for. That’s a true treasure chest. Load the cannon I’m taking aim at the porthole. He approached, she smiled, and he said “do you mind if I drop anchor in your lagoon I need to get the barnacles scraped off my rudder. The lady then said, “ Come show me how ye bury yer treasure lad.

Tan Lucy Pez said...
One-Eyed Joe could not believe his good fortune. He grabbed her my her arse and up the stairs they went to her room.

OldHorsetailSnake said...
She, being a modernist, asked him, once they reached her room:"Are you gellin'?"And he said, "Are those melons?"The parrot said, "Sheesh."One-eyed Joe was careful in circumstances like this not to remove his sword, for he knew how crafty Parsifal could be."This is going to uncomfortable," Joe thought to himself. But the worst was yet to come."She" disrobed, whereupon Joe found he had picked up a guy. So they decided it might be fun to pitch pennies, for Joe had forgotten his jacks. But suddenly the door slammed open....

Tan Lucy Pez said...
and in walked "her" boyfriend, BIG BAD JAKE.One-eyed Joe ran for the window. But he couldn't get it to open. Then he dove under the bed. "Damnitall!" he thundered. He knew that he had made a big mistake going under that bed.Then he...

Fred said...
rolled over and found a dead body under the bed. Joe recognized the corpse; it was a pirate he met while in France and remembered his name as Jean-Luc Pidarc.Pidarc was known for fighting Big Bad Jake many times, yet Friar Parsifal wlways brokered a truce between the two.For some reason, the Friar could always get the two rogues to stop their fighting. He knew that the two...

bananarama said...
could be reasoned with, unless it involved a woman. One Eyed Joe was worried. This could look as if it indeed was him, with this hoyden as the excuse for the fight. Was he being set-up?

Big Bad Jake was arguing loudly. With a sudden push, he shoved her out the window. During the distraction, accompanied by the noisy shattering of glass, One Eyed Joe was able to make it to the door and out into the corridor. He escaped down the stairs as others were racing up the stairs to see the source of the disturbance. He had to get out, assemble his men, and get out of town. Something wasn't right.

Mr. Tyrone said...
Arrr! One Eyed Joe tacks down the walk and broadsides that scurvy dog Black Jack. Well shiver me timbers, ahoy matey. I thought you danced the jig on the man-of-war. Black Jack said I’m hangin the jib because I have no vanilla cream pie. Arrr Aye.

Saurkraut said...
One Eyed Joe continued toward his ship. "Gentleman Joe," nodded one of his sailors, tipping his hat to him."C'mere," whispered One Eyed Joe fiercely. "I think we've got trouble. Spread the word and have the men assemble at the ship. We are dealing with something I don't understand, but I think it involves Friar Parsifal."That sobered the man up immediately. "Aye, Cap'n," he nodded, and he took off running to the nearest tavern."Rawk! Trouble tonight!" repeated Polly.

snicksnack said...
The men gathered at the boat, eager for a fight. One Eyed Joe began "Men, we're gonna hafta cut shore leave, arrr..."Just then, a group of angry friars appeared at the dock. "There he is!" shouted one of the friars. "One Eyed Joe!" Ranting and railing against him, they began to approach the ship as the pirates hurried aboard. Pirates and friars alike drew their swords. One particularly enterprising young friar eagerly swung a mace...

Saurkraut said...
and coshed in the head of 'Ol Lame Bill Smythe. But the others fought their way back up the plank and into the ship with little loss of life.The ship cast off, while angry friars swarmed about the dock."What was THAT all about?" asked Peg Leg Jeb."Rawk, out of the frying pan and into the friars," squawked Polly.

A Torrid Romance Story
Compiled from the story at http://franklysaurkraut.blogspot.com/2005/09/torrid-romance-story.html Written on 9/24/5.

Saur: Madison pulled up outside the sprawling beach house that she was going to call home for the next 2 weeks. She needed this, she told herself. She needed a break after a long year as a famous attorney with a caseload the size of Texas.

She checked her rearview mirror and checked to make sure that her lipgloss was shinier than Donald Trump's teeth. She never went anywhere without lipgloss.

Getting out of the car, she tossed her long, blond hair carelessly aside as she reached for her suitcase.

"Look, it's Malibu Barbie!" someone drawled.

Madison looked up to see a man standing there, grinning indolently as he picked his teeth...

Mr. Banana said...
He proceeded to throw his toothpick into the Brazilian Pepper tree. He then said “ooh baby don’t say maybe, just give me some of that gravy”. I can play this game too I thought. I reached over and grabbed this 10-inch banana that I had purchase at Publix. After peeling the banana I ……

AP3 said...
realized that I, Madison, had switched from the third person narrative into the first person narrative.

Underground Logician said...
"Madison!" I snapped awake to find that I was dreaming...DURING A PARTNERS MEETING!! Thank God "toothpick man" was a dream, or nightmare, but now I have the stark reality of six pairs of eye's of my partners looking at me in amusement."

Madison, did you catch all that?" The elder partner, Felix Baumgartner, querried with a glint in his eye."Yessir, I did." I didn't, but I couldn't reveal that I was daydreaming."Well, get on with it," chortled Ferdinand Hughson, number two man of Baumgartner, Hughson, Hughson, Steinmetz, Clark and Toynbee.

I fumbled with my papers and then they all broke into laughter."Madison," Felix began, "we've just voted to give you a six month paid sabbatical. Your work here at BHHSCT for the past three years has put us on the INTERNATIONAL map. We want to reward you for your tremendous achievements. And as you've just shown us," they all snickered, "this will offer you some time to get some rest and perhaps...some balance... in your life."

The eldest first lady, Eveline Clark, declared with a smirk, "We think this will be cheaper for us in the long run than putting in living quarters here at the office! You need a life...on the outside. Take it from me, honey, you'll be a better attorney for it."My jaw dropped. Six months? Rest? BALANCE?"Now, Angeline Madison, you may leave... with our blessing!" And all six stood and applauded.

I stupidly grabbed my papers and briefcase and still in shock, and befuddled joy, walked out through the heavy oak doors.Just then, my cell rang it's "Treadmill" theme. An unfamiliar number popped on the screen. "Hello?""Angie Madison!"I couldn't believe it. It was...

Fred said...
Crabina Crenshaw, known by her stage name as Lobster Girl. LG, as she was known, made a fortune first as a stage performer, then in Hollywood. Her trademark was her left hand, which resembled a lobster claw. Yet, with that birth defect, she was able to find fame and fortune.I represented LG when a small-time investigator showed up in the Florida town that she used to call home. This investigator somehow thought LG might be involved in her brother's death, so she contacted me immediately.

I got to know LG quite well, and she told me that she was having an affair with Felix Baumgartner while she was married. I was astounded, but was sworn to secrecy.LG went on to tell me that her husband found out, and...

OldHorsetailSnake said...
"...was making all kinds of threats, including that he was going to divorce me and take all our assets. Could you represent me, Madison?""I would love to, Crabina, but I'm on sabbatical and they don't want to see me around the office."I know! Let's BOTH go on vacation. We'll kick up our heels, flaunt our bosoms and maybe get some 'action' somewhere down around Tampa. I am just all of a sudden hot to trot. Maybe we could have some threesomes, you know, where we....

Underground Logician said...
have three handed cribbage, three handed pinocle, or even a three-some in Monopoly."Sigh. If I'm going to have any sabbatical, I'm going to have to say 'no' to this one. She's a bit strange."Crabina," I began diplomatically, "How about I have a raincheck. I haven't even figured out what I'm going to do for the next six months. Besides, I've been at it so hard lately, I don't think I'll be good company. I need some time alone."Obviously disappointed, Crabina reluctantly gave in. "Angie, I hear it in your voice. I'll contact you in a month to see how you're doing. Oh, the bit about me and Felix...just kidding! Ha ha ha ha ha ha.Feeling the intense urgency to hang up I forced a laugh and bid her good day.Hmmm. This sabbatical is going to be harder to get used to than I thought. She approached the elevator and pressed "down." When the elevator doors opened to her delightful shock there stood...

mallory said...
and upon closer inspection realized the young stud was probably not old enough drive. Being an attorney of limited scruples and smelling opportunity, Madison (AKA Mad Woman) began to plot how she was going to saddle and ride the young buck. Smiling wickedly, she knew a perfect vacation was in the offing.*L* Gads, did I write that? *L:*

Saurkraut said...
You guys are doing great! This is turning into quite a plot!!! I'm taking a slight sabbatical myself today, so I won't add to it. Mallory, you left something out! We need to either fill in that gap or get you to repost...

bananarama said...
When the elevator doors opened to her delightful shock there stood... Her best friend, Mayzie. As she got on the elevator, she said delightedly "Mayzie, you'll never guess what just happened! I'm on vacation for SIX MONTHS!"

bananarama said...
Mayzie's jaw fell open. "SIX MONTHS?" she gasped. "Why, that's almost unheard of! What are you going to do?""I'm going to take at least a month to go to the Keys. I've always wanted to learn to scuba dive," replied Angie.

Tabasamu said...
"What a marvellous idea," said Mayzie. "Why don't you give my brother a call? He lives down there, remember? He probably has some great places he could show you."

Angie had never met Mayzie's brother before. She had seen pictures of him, though. Handsome, with a strong jaw and wavy hair, he was always in a new relationship (according to Mayzie). If Angie was going to look him up, she surely wasn't going to hang out with him (or become another one of his conquests).

Still, the advantage of knowing a native was obviously there. "Give me his number," she said.

snicksnack said...
Angie was in the Keys by that weekend. She had decided to throw all caution to the winds, and had called Mayzie's brother, Trevor Hammerjaw.Trevor had been very friendly on the phone, and had willingly agreed to show her around a little. "You won't regret it," he promised. "If you spend some time down here, you'll probably end up wanting to hang your shingle up."Not likely, Angie had thought privately to herself...

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...
Unknown to her when she made her decision to go to the Keys, it was hurricane weather. Should she stay, with all the known warnings of what was about to occur, or would she be better off to travel, in hopes of getting ready for a new adventure, possibly even a new man, provided she could obtain that one client who would....

Tabasamu said...
who might make it worth her while to stay longer.She decided to stay. At least for a while.Trevor was everything his pictures had promised, and more.He met her at the airport...

bananarama said...
Trevor took her to his place. It was a lovely beach cottage on stilts, with a view of the ocean that was breathtaking."Do you think there's much of a chance of a hurricane while I'm here?" she had asked him (making light conversation).

"Well, there's always a CHANCE," Trevor had replied, furrowing his brow slightly, "but it's a slim one now. We're getting out of the worst of the season."

Now she was sitting on his back porch, sipping on a daquiri and watching the sailboats lace in and around each other...

Mike said...
...with the scissors he'd been using to clip his toe nails. He walked past her and picked up something from the ground. It was the blond hairpiece she'd been wearing. She blushed, she didn't realize she'd thrown her hair that carelessly.He knelt before her and began picking up a few sheer lacy thongs. "Oh my," she gasped. Her suitcase had fallen open. Behind her was a trail of her underwear across the lot to where she'd parked her car."My car!" she shrieked. She had neglected to shift into park and the classic Yugo coupe was now rolling down he street into the path of...

mallory said...
Saur, I attached to your sentence fragmentMadison looked up to see a man standing there, grinning indolently as he picked his teeth...and upon closer inspection realized the young stud was probably not old enough drive. Being an attorney of limited scruples and smelling opportunity, Madison (AKA Mad Woman) began to plot how she was going to saddle and ride the young buck. Smiling wickedly, she knew a perfect vacation was in the offing.

Kathy said...
OK, the whole story got really confused about three sentences ago, (someone hijacked it and confused everyone) so I'm going to start where the majority left off. Bananarama was following the whole story, so I'll go back to hers:

Now she was sitting on his back porch, sipping on a daquiri and watching the sailboats lace in and around each other...Trevor came out and joined her. "What would you like to do first?" he asked."I want to see it all," she said. "What would YOU suggest?"Leering provacatively, he said...

dvdfreak said...
"Baby, you don't want to KNOW what I would suggest. How about a tour of the city instead?"

Realizing he was joking, she said "I see you're aware of your reputation!"

Pulling up a chair, he sat down next to her, facing the water. "Yup," he said. "Mayzie is always wanting to paint me for a real ladies' man. If I had done half the things she believes I've done, I'd probably be in the hospital on life support by now."

Angie laughed. "Well, that's good to know," she said. "Mayzie certainly has portrayed you differently..."

Trevor said, "Let me suggest we start with Key West. That's the main part of the Keys. We'll work northward from there. I hear you want to scuba dive! Should we look into scheduling you some lessons?"

They discussed her many options, while watching the sun set over the water. "You hungry?" Trevor asked abruptly."Starving!" Angie said."Well then, I have a suggestion. Let's go to..."

Saurkraut said...
"Crabby Dicks!"

"That's the name of a real restaurant?" asked Angie hesitantly.

Trevor gave her a sly grin. "Sure is," he said. "Look it up online if you don't believe me. The atmosphere's great, the food is fantastic, and the drinks are strong! You've gotta go there, just so that you can tell everyone else about the experience!"

mallory said...
Making sure she was well stocked with "RIDZ", Madison completed her preparations for an evening of fine dining at "Crabby Dicks"

Saurkraut said...
What a night! Angie and Trevor arrived at Crabby Dicks just as things were heating up. The restaurant was packed, and people stood around waiting, holding foamy tropical drinks of unreal colorBecause Trevor knew the owner well, they got a choice table with no wait. To her surprise, Angie caught a glimpse of Lobster Girl at the bar, in animated conversation with someone that looked suspiciously like Tom Selleck. But Angie had her own claws...er...hands full that evening. Trevor was charming, witty, and captivating. She was falling under his spell...

michelle said...
The evening lasted late into the night. Trevor walked Angie up and down the sidewalk to check out the Key West night life. It was useless for Angie to try to sleep that night, well what was left of the night anyway. All she could do was think of how different Trevor was than what she had initially thought. What other surpises was she in for...and how is it that Lobster Girl was in the Key's? Didn't she suggest going to Tampa?

Jamie Dawn said...
Deep inside, Angie felt there must be something wrong with Trevor. He couldn't be this perfect. She thumbed through the yellow pages and found a private detective.She showed up at Jade Stone's office the next morning.Jade was 6'5" of gorgeous man."Uh... Mr. Stone... I'd like for you to...

snicksnack said...
help me, please. This Trevor seems too perfect. He's the brother of my best friend, Mayzie. But, when I reflected on it, I had to admit to myself that I've only known Mayzie for a year..." Angie trailed off, hesitantly. "You think this is pretty lame, don't you?""Not at all," replied Jade. Angie reflected that he really had a very masculine voice for such a sissy name...

Underground Logician said...
"Tell you what," Jade began thoughtfully. "You say you only know his sister for a year, yet you are best friends?"

"Yes," Angie responded with hesitation. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, for an extra $300 I could do a backround check on both of them. Plus..."

"Yes?" Angie warily asked.

"You going to be around for awhile?"

"For six months" Angie smirked.

"Why so long?"

"I'm on sabbatical from my law firm."

On and on Jade began to question Angie on her career, employer, the gamut."So you are a partner in the lawfirm of Baumgartner, Hughson, Hughson, Steinmetz, Clark and Toynbee?" Jade asked with great concern.

"YES!!" Angie exclaimed. "What? Is there something wrong?"

Jade fumbled with his pen looked square into Angie's soul with his hazel eyes."Let me put it to you straight, Miss Madison. You seem like a wonderful person, but there's something you need to know about your "wonderful" lawfirm..."

Kathleen said...
"It's been sold. Each of the partners were paid a ransom for their share by a slightly slippery consortium out of Tampa. It is now known as CL&F. The new owners are Crabby, Longneck and Fish." Madison could feel the heat rising from her face and could hear the blood pumping through her ears.

Trying not to let him know how disturbed she was by the news, she quickly changed the subject back to finding out about Trevor and Mayzie. Anxious to conclude the meeting, she pulled out her checkbook and asked what he needed to get started.

She rushed to say, "Get started immediately, here's a check for $1000.00 and I'll contact you once I'm settled and had some rest. As the door closed behind her she was overcome with . . .

Underground Logician said...
a flurry of emotions, ranging from anger, fear, suspicion and vulnerability. She thought about the literal thousands of hours she's packed into this up and coming lawfirm, only to have her legs kicked from under her.

"What are they involved in and how deep does this go?" she thought as she climbed into her M3 and just drove, not knowing where she was going, but trying to flee the feeling of being trapped under the unusually azure Florida sky.

She drove for hours until she pulled over into a shaded beachfront, with an abandoned beach house that seen too many storms in its time. She walked through the waist high grass until the bleached white sand greeted her feet with the crunch of tiny sea shells. She plunked down in her weariness and just stared out into the aquamarine water...

Mr. Gator said...
… wishing she could drink some of it because she had a nasty wet cough. She tried to clear the phlegm from her throat but it seemed to be snagged on her epiglottis. She always kept several tissues in her handbag but she had used them all up during her crying sessions. She saw a French fry wrapper on the ground and was able to cough the mucus ball into the bag. Feeling revived she….

Eddo said...
thought she noticed someone in the distance. Who could it be? It was Trevor. How did he find her? "Fancy meeting you here Maddie"

"How do you know my nickname is Maddie? Only my father calls me that."

"I actually just got off the phone with your father, he and I set up this entire weekend. The sabbatical was his idea, he convinced your firm to give you a break because he is ready for some grandkids."

"What?" Madison's eyebrows furrowed as she tried to digest everything that she has just heard. "You are wrong Trevor, the firm has been sold, I have no job." "What are you talking about?" Trevor replied the shock and dismay obvious in his voice.

Madison replied vehemently pushing Trevor away, "I HIRED a private detective and he told me all about it! I know EVERYTHING!"

"Private Detective?" Perplexed Trevor tried to piece the puzzle together. "Who did you hire, there is only one detective in the Keys and everyone knows he is a fraud. He gets unsuspecting women to give him money and then he tells them what they want to hear. The truth is Maddie, I love you, I have been reading your blog for over a year now and I love you!"

Shocked and awed by this revelation Maddie looked at Trevor's face as if it was a crystal ball. She was surprised to see that it only revealed truth. "I go by Eddo of Posted Note most of the time, but really I am Trevor and I live in the Keys."

"You are Eddo of Posted Note?"

"yes" At that moment Trevor stepped up and kissed Madison deeply and passionately. They fell to the sand sinking into each other's embrace and gave in to their most primordial desires. Transported to another world they didn't hear someone approaching. It was Lobster Girl and she was carrying an axe.

Tan Lucy Pez said...
LG stalked towards them hidden in the tall grass. She got closer, and closer, and closer, and slipped on the French fry wrapper on the ground that had the coughed up mucus ball in it. Yuck! She screamed. Trevor raced to get the axe and...

Mr. Tyrone said...
….but then he remembered he had his cousin Leroy’s blade in his sock. He pulled out the knife and swung around to confront LG. Trevor was somewhat shocked when he shaded his eyes from the sun to see LG and Madison kissing. Trevor got a big smile on his face. The three rolled around in the sand for hours. Madison all sandy and tired said you know there’s nothing like a threesome to make a good vacation great.

Eddo said...
The morning came and Madison was very tired. She had this crazy dream about a threesome and some guy named Trevor. "How Bizarre!" She thought to herself. She also had dreamed that she had eaten a really large marshmallow and for some reason her pillow was gone! Tired, lonely, and restless she logged on to her computer and started to blog hoping that one day her dream might become a reality... except for the part about the pillow.

The Murder of Crabby Crenshaw

Compiled from the story at http://franklysaurkraut.blogspot.com/2005/09/murder-of-crabby-crenshaw.html Written on 9/17/5.

Saur: The air was thick and hot, and shimmered like quicksilver in the midday sun. In front of me stood Dot's Diner; an old-fashioned stand-alone metal restaurant that looked like Paul Bunyan's trailer.

I was investigating the murder of Crabby Crenshaw, the circus performer. Crabby was a nickname. His real name had been Archibald, so I kinda understood why he preferred to be called Crabby. His other nickname had been Lobster Boy, due to his being born with a strange birth defect that had formed his hands into claws. But Crabby was just one of many strange denizens down here in this little, steamy town in Florida. This is where all the retired circus folk came to live. You could walk down the street and pass a retired Bearded Lady, a Wolfman, and there were dwarves everywhere (we're supposed to call them Little People now, but I feel silly doing so).

Crabby had made many enemies down here. I suspected that the murderer w0uld be one of these sideshow performers. I was beginning my investigation at the hub of the town. Everyone came to Dot's Diner for breakfast. Everyone who was anyone, that is.

I squared my shoulders, and walked toward the diner.

Lawyer wanna be. said...I pushed the heavy glass door open. It squeaked like it had never been oiled. I stood motionless as the Diner patrons stared at me. I thought they must know why I’m here. I walked up to the counter and sat down on a wobbly stool. Coffee and powdered donuts I told the cute blond waitress. She said ….

OldHorsetailSnake said..."See that guy in the corner? That's the circus Fat Man. He's got all the donuts."I turned and peered at this apparition -- 600 pounds of powdered, glazed, jellied donuts. This guy makes a living showing off his body, I thought.I gave him no more attention, but I knew I'd be talking to him later. He knew about the fight between Crabby and

michelle said...Sideshow Bob. For now I sat at the counter and ordered the daily special. A greasier than greasy cheeseburger and french fries. Good thing I have stock in Rolaids.As I waited for my order I looked around at my surroundings. Out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimps of....

Fred said...Lobster Girl. I heard there was possibly someone related to Crabby in town; surely it was her.She was walking towards Sideshow Bob and sat next to him. I then noticed she was whispering in his ear. Bob looked annoyed and then pushed her off the stool. As she lay on the floor, she yelled...

Kathleen said...so, you want to play it rough? You've really got me steamed and I'm seeing red. As she struggled to lift herself off the floor, she warned . . . Watch your back Sideshow. Crabby may be dead, but . . .

Underground Logician said..."he isn't through with you yet!!"At that, she clawed her way up, stood and glared at me with those crustacian eyes. "Mister," she bellowed, "If you knew what was good for you, you'd eat real fast and get the hell out of this town."

She stormed out of the diner, jumped into her 1974 Dodge Matador and drove off, flinging gravel into the tin diner. With my curiosity at about a ten, I grabbed my "mug a mud" and sauntered over to Sideshow Bob. I thought I could maybe, probe a little.

"Gee, mister," I began, "What's got her steamed?"Sideshow, took a deep draw from his Marlboro and exhaled an answer that made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end."Mister, she just told me that..."

dddragon said..."... she heard that Crabby's Last Will and Testament has been found." He took another drag on his cigarette before continuing. "We're all supposed to head over to the Big Top for the reading of the Will."Before I could respond, I heard the sound of chairs being pushed back. As I turned, the door's bell clanged.The Diner was now empty.

Tabasamu said...I figured now was as good as any to head over to the Big Top. I checked to see where the cute blond waitress was, but she was long-gone, just like the others. So without any further glance back, I headed toward my car and toward the Big Top.As I drove along, I could see a storm brewing on the horizon, and blurry grey streaks which indicated rain. Suddenly from the side of the road...

Mr. Gator said...An assembly of fine middle-aged black women with cone heads mysteriously appeared wearing short shorts and tube tops that seemed to be cutting off their circulation. They got right in my face and firmly asked if I was looking for women with big tops? Initially baffled I regained my composure and told these fine ladies that I was looking for the circus big top not women with big tops. To save gas I jumped in their pink Cadillac convertible and we sang hip-hop songs as we raced to the big top. When we pulled up to the big top we were shocked to see …..

Saurkraut said...just how many people were assembled there.I got out and milled around with the others, hoping to hear something while we waited.I passed by Lobster Girl, who was muttering something to a dwarf and shooting dirty glances toward Sideshow Bob (who stood apart from the crowd, nervously checking his watch).

Lobster Girl was saying angrily "No, that's not a part of the plan. Stick to the plan and we'll be fine. If you don't, then we're all in the soup."

The dwarf's lower lip stuck out rebelliously and he was about to reply to her when someone whispered in my ear...

Kathleen said..."why are you here?" Before I could answer he hissed, "if you want some advise, stop stirring the pot and get out of town! They keep turning up the heat and things are about to boil over. I promise you that you don't want to be a part of this stinking kettle of fish! Watch out," the dwarf yelled! At that very moment Lobster Girl took another dive and landed in the dirt at my feet. At first, I tried to help her up, but then I realized . . .

OldHorsetailSnake said......she might not be a friend of mine, after that warning. Just then, Lawyer Pete Goforth called for everyone's attention. "I am about the read Crabby's will, if you please."I leave my entire estate to the blond waitress down at the diner, because she's the only one who ever let me lay my claws on her. I'm not telling her, though, because she'd kill to get her hands on my coin collection."I perked up at this bit of news, and began to take stock of the case. It seemed, now, there might be a breakthrough, if I could just put two and two....

Mr. Zebra said...….together. But why would a blond waitress whose lips were so wonderfully pouty, skin like the driven snow and a brick house for a body be interested in a coin collection. The waitress had told me of the terrible experience she had had with her old boyfriend Jeff the dwarf whose body smelled of two-day-old shrimp left out in the sun. Then it dawned on me. What if …..

Underground Logician said...COMMERCIAL BREAK #1: MEANINGFUL BACKROUND MUSIC......This is who I aaaaammmm......This is what I belieeeeeve.......This is where I liiiiiive...This is Buuuuud-Wies-rrrrrrr...Bud...Weiserrrrrrrr...Bud...Weiserrrrrrrr...Bud
.....BUDWEISER...THE KING OF BEERS.

COMMERCIAL BREAK #2:DIRTBALL BOYFRIEND: "AWWW, HUNNEY, I CAME RIGHT AWAY WHEN I HEARD MUFFY DIED."

NOT A CLUE GIRLFRIEND: "HE WAS SO CUTE...DBB, SEES DAIRY QUEEN MOCHA LATTE, WHICH NOT A CLUE HOLDS AWKWARDLY BEHIND HER: "SLURP, SLURP. MOCHA!

NACGF: "NO, SWEETIE, MUFFY!"

DBB: "RIGHT, RIGHT, MUFF...THE CAT!"

COMMERCIAL BREAK #3:TWO WOMEN, TRYING TO OUT DESCRIBE EACH OTHER WITH THE GOODNESS OF YOPLAIT CHOCOLATE MOUSSE.

WHITE GIRL: "THIS IS GET A MASSAGE FROM SVEN GOOD!"

AFRICAN AMERICAN GIRL: "NO,THIS IS GET A MASSAGE FROM SHAQUILLE O'NEAL GOOD.

WG: NO, THIS IS GETTING A MASSAGE BY SVEN WHILE STANDING ON YOUR HEAD IN A JECUZZI GOOD!

AAG: NO, THIS IS GETTING A BODY WRAP WITH DENNIS RODMAN WHILE STANDING ON YOUR HEAD IN A JECUZZI WHILE GETTING A MASSAGE FROM SVEN--GOOD."

WG: YOU WIN.BACK TO THE SHOW.

Tan Lucy Pez said...the blond waitress down at the diner really is the same person as the bearded lady? The bearded lady has a beard that grows so fast she can shave every morning for her breakfast shift at the diner, and still grow a nice beard for the circus show that night.Then the dearly departed found out that his lovely blond was bearded by night, he was going to change his will. Naturally she decided......

Eddo said...to get electolysis becuase she knew she couldn't go on with this charade forever. Bearded lady be damned! She thought to herself. I love him and I should be with him. She was just about to proclaim her love to her man when she walked in and caught him with...

Kathleen said...Lobster girl! Blinded with rage from the sound of his voice croaking who's your clawdaddy, who's your clawdaddy, she began to plan . . .

Saurkraut said...It all came to me in that blinding flash of intuition. That's why I get paid the big bucks.From there on, it was all Easy Street. I stopped in to the police department to let them in on the gig. It all goes to show you: Some women are sweethearts, some are sour, and some are just plain crabby for the halibut.

The End.

It Was a Dark and Stormy Night

Compiled from http://franklysaurkraut.blogspot.com/2005/09/it-was-dark-and-stormy-night.html written on 9/5/5.

Saur: It was a dark and stormy night. Ben had just finished the last stroke of silver paint on his spaceship model and had placed it carefully toward the back of his desk to dry. As he turned toward his computer, a flash of lightning lit up his backyard and he thought he saw something that wasn't normally there.

He turned off his desk light, and peered out his window into the darkness. The only sound he heard was the staccatto tapping of the rain on his window and the gusts of wind through the willow tree outside...

Fred said... He remained at his window for several minutes, peering into the darkness.Suddenly, he thought he heard some kind of noise in the room. When he turned around, he immediately saw that the spaceship model was gone...

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...
Good idea.The noise turned out to be a preview of what was in store for him. Before his eyes, stood a sight that took his breathe away. Speechless, he gazed at the large mass before him, took two steps backward, and before he knew it....

michelle said...
...the beam of light was on him. There was no time to react. Ben was lifted of the floor and seemed to be floating out the window...

dddragon said...
He took a moment to be amazed that he was not getting wet from the rain. Ben gave a quick glance downward to confirm that he was continuing his upward journey. Now turning his eyes upward, he saw ...

Mr. Gator said...
… the big Willow branch a little late. “Ouch” he shouted! The branch tore his new Sponge Bob pajamas. Once he cleared the branch he could see….

Tabasamu said...
A large, almost unbelievably large, object in the sky above him. Both startled and terrified, he thrashed wildly about in the hopes that he might break loose from the beam.Simultaneously, a wild burst of gunfire was heard from off to his right, and the beam temporarily wavered. Dropping to the ground, he lay stunned for a moment, then gathered himself and...

AP3 said...
...decided to make a run for it. He didn't get far, however, before the beam had pulled him in again.He looked up and saw, to his horror, that the huge craft emitting the beam had exactly the same markings and shape as the little model airplane he had just completed!

michelle said...
It crossed Ben's mind, "Did I create this? Is this object, my airplane? How can it be?"

Mr. Gator said...
…Ben thought maybe it wasn’t his spaceship but his dad’s prototype for his science project or possibly he was hallucinating from all the chocolate bars he had eaten that day. The he heard the …

Gunner said...
chittering noise coming from the opening the light was pulling him towards.He did not know any other languages but he did know one thing. This language was not from earth.He looked west and he saw them. Hundreds of other ships, and hundreds of other beams of light.

Tan Lucy Pez said...
The other ships were being piloted by giant fruit flies! They had huge multi-colored eyes and enormous hairy legs.He opened his mouth to scream, but all that came out was...

Kathleen said...
. . . huge fruit flys.

Saurkraut said...
The End. A wonderful story, everyone! Pat yourselves on the back for creating a one-of-a-kind Science Fiction confection.;o)

Alice In Wonderland & Through the Looking Glass

2005-07-12T21:24:00.000-04:00

by Lewis Carol are two wonderful books. They were originally written as political satires by Carol but unlike many political satires (whose messages are lost in time) these two books have endured, due in part to their whimsical wording. They're just plain fun to read.

I also have a friend who is an MIT grad. He told me that these books somehow represent some very complicated mathematical formulas. I think. I got very confused as he explained it, being as I have always been mathematically challenged.

Anyway, how can anyone resist such marvellous little jabs as

How Doth the Little Crocodile

How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!

How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!

(To read more about the hidden satire in this poem, read this.)

Needle

2005-07-02T08:19:00.000-04:00

by Hal Clement was the first book he ever wrote. But when he started his career, he started it with a bang. It's a great Sci Fi story whose hero is a young boy. Kids of all ages can identify with this because it still rings true, even if it was written in 1949.

It's a story of a young boy who meets an alien from outer space, and has to help this alien find and kill an evil alien that is bent on death and destruction. This novel paints a believable picture, drawing you in with thrills and chills and ends in ultimate triumph.

I am sorry to say that this gem is out of print. Perhaps they will allow it to be put online, instead. However, Amazon allows readers to sell books online, and there are about 15 used copies for sale there. I would highly recommend you buy one.

The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe

2005-07-01T13:39:00.000-04:00

by C.S. Lewis is my favorite book of all time, bar none. I highly recommend the entire series to everyone, young and old.

Recently, I saw a movie trailer for another movie interpretation of the book. I have no idea what sort of quality it will have, but it looks as if it runs very true to the book and the special effects are spectacular. The only thing that worries me is that it's put out by Disney. That could mean that they've altered it where it suited them (as they did with the Little Mermaid and other movies they've produced). If so, the movie will be worthless, because the charm is in the plot and workmanship of a novel that was finely crafted for children of all ages. If you'd like to see the movie trailer yourself, go to http://adisney.go.com/disneypictures/narnia/index.html .

Some Excellent Books Online

2005-06-21T23:13:00.000-04:00

These are some books that are hosted by Bartleby.com which I highly recommend:

The Mysterious Affair at Styles by Agatha Christie
Classic Agatha Christie
http://www.bartleby.com/112/

The Brothers Grimm: Household Tales
This is a collection of stories that many people mistakenly think are intended for children. Some of them are kid-friendly, but avoid "The Girl Without Hands" (reason: self evident), "Our Lady's Child"(reason: shows religion as being retaliatory), "Allerleirauh" (reason: incest), and others are weird in some places. So, skim them before you read them to your kids, or be ready to skip over some parts.
http://www.bartleby.com/17/2/

The Prince by Machiavelli
Ever hear that someone or something is Machiavellian? Actually, Machiavelli got a bum rap. This is the first practical management advice text ever written. Sometimes brutally practical, but not with the scheming viciousness that we've been led to believe. This is a book that many colleges still consider required reading.
http://www.bartleby.com/36/1/

Eleanora, The Fall of the House of Usher, The Purloined Letter by Edgar Allen Poe
Classic Edgar Allen Poe
http://www.bartleby.com/310/3/

A Child’s Garden of Verses by Robert Louis Stevenson
I loved these as a child, and you and your child will, too.
http://www.bartleby.com/188/

Stories from One Thousand and One Nights
This is a great series of Arabian fairy tales. The story of Aladdin comes from here, along with many other wonderful stories.
http://www.bartleby.com/16/

Jim Smily and His Jumping Frog by Mark Twain
It's Mark Twain! How can you go wrong?
http://www.bartleby.com/310/5/

The Island of Dr. Moreau by H.G. Wells
Avoid seeing the movie(s), but read this wonderfully creepy novel which is totally different from those pale, insipid movie versions.
http://www.bartleby.com/1001/

The Thirty-Nine Steps

2005-06-19T14:59:00.000-04:00

by John Buchan, is a book I discovered many years ago. It's a classic thriller, full of adventure and espionage. I recommend it to people in their late teens and up. Apparently it was made into a movie by Alfred Hitchcock, but I've never seen it. I highly recommend the book. In this case, we're lucky enough that it's for free, online, at:

http://www.bartleby.com/149/

Here is an excerpt from The Thirty-Nine Steps, ch. 5:

I SAT down on the very crest of the pass and took stock of my position.

Behind me was the road climbing through a long cleft in the hills, which was the upper glen of some notable river. In front was a flat space of maybe a mile, all pitted with bog-holes and rough tussocks, and then beyond it the road fell steeply down another glen to a plain whose blue dimness melted into the distance. To left and right were round-shouldered green hills as smooth as pancakes, but to the south—that is, the left hand—there was a glimpse of high heathery mountains, which I remembered from the map as the big knot of hill which I had chosen for my sanctuary. I was on the central boss of a huge upland country, and could see everything moving for miles. In the meadows below the road half a mile back a cottage smoked, but it was the only sign of human life. Otherwise there was only the calling of plovers and the tinkling of little streams.

It was now about seven o'clock, and as I waited I heard once again that ominous beat in the air. Then I realised that my vantage-ground might be in reality a trap. There was no cover for a tomtit in those bald green places.

I sat quite still and hopeless while the beat grew louder. Then I saw an aeroplane coming up from the east. It was flying high, but as I looked it dropped several hundred feet and began to circle round the knot of hill in narrowing circles, just as a hawk wheels before it pounces. Now it was flying very low, and now the observer on board caught sight of me. I could see one of the two occupants examining me through glasses.

Suddenly it began to rise in swift whorls, and the next I knew it was speeding eastward again till it became a speck in the blue morning.

That made me do some savage thinking. My enemies had located me, and the next thing would be a cordon round me. I didn't know what force they could command, but I was certain it would be sufficient. The aeroplane had seen my bicycle, and would conclude that I would try to escape by the road. In that case there might be a chance on the moors to the right or left. I wheeled the machine a hundred yards from the highway, and plunged it into a moss-hole, where it sank among pondweed and water-buttercups. Then I climbed to a knoll which gave me a view of the two valleys. Nothing was stirring on the long white ribbon that threaded them...

The Light Princess

2005-06-19T14:35:00.000-04:00

by George MacDonald, is a wonderful fable. It's about a young princess with a mysterious curse that makes her light-hearted, light-headed, and light-weight. George MacDonald was one of J.R.R Tolkien and C.S. Lewis' favorite authors. He lived and wrote in the 1800s (1825-1905). He was a prolific author. Not all of his books are easy to wade through, but I highly recommend The Light Princess, The Princess and the Goblin, and The Princess and Curdie.

Here is an excerpt from The Light Princess:

Once upon a time, so long ago that I have quite forgotten the date, there lived a king and queen who had no children.

And the king said to himself, "All the queens of my acquaintance have children, some three, some seven, and some as many as twelve; and my queen has not one. I feel ill-used." So he made up his mind to be cross with his wife about it. But she bore it all like a good patient queen as she was. Then the king grew very cross indeed. But the queen pretended to take it all as a joke, and a very good one too.

"Why don't you have any daughters, at least?" said he. "I don't say sons; that might be too much to expect."

"I am sure, dear king, I am very sorry," said the queen.

"So you ought to be," retorted the king; "you are not going to make a virtue of that, surely."

But he was not an ill-tempered king, and in any matter of less moment would have let the queen have her own way with all his heart. This, however, was an affair of state.

The queen smiled.

"You must have patience with a lady, you know, dear king," said she.

She was, indeed, a very nice queen, and heartily sorry that she could not oblige the king immediately.

The king tried to have patience, but he succeeded very badly. It was more than he deserved, therefore, when at last, the queen gave him a daughter - as lovely a little princess as ever cried...

The Hobbit

2005-06-18T19:16:00.000-04:00

by J.R.R. Tolkien is a must-read book for everyone over the age of 12. Tolkien was an amazing genius of the modern era, and truly did not know how talented he was or just how much his books would be treasured. I've always been intrigued by his close friendship with another one of my favorite authors, C.S. Lewis.

Don't let your kids see any of the movies or cartoons about The Hobbit. Let their own imaginations do the work for them. They will get much more out of reading this wondrous book than they ever will by seeing it on TV. It is a story of marvellous adventures that befall a very ordinary (and somewhat reluctant) person: The Hobbit. (Incidentally, to those of you whom have seen the Lord of the Rings movies, The Hobbit is the introduction to the trilogy and the first place you meet Gollum).

Here is an excerpt from the book, chapter VIII:

They walked in single file. The entrance to the path was like a sort of arch leading into a gloomy tunnel made by two great trees that leant together, too old and strangled with ivy and hung with lichen to bear more than a few blackened leaves. The path itself was narrow and wound in and out among the trunks. Soon the light at the gate was like a little bright hole far behind, and the quiet was so deep that their feet seemed to thump along while all the trees leaned over them and listened.

As their eyes became used to the dimness they could see a little way to either side in a sort of darkened green glimmer. Occasionally a slender beam of sun that had the luck to slip in through some opening in the leaves far above, and still more luck in not being caught in the tangled boughs and matted twigs beneath, stabbed down thin and bright before them. But this was seldom, and it soon ceased altogether.

There were black squirrels in the wood. As Bilbo's sharp inquisitive eyes got used to seeing things he could catch glimpses of them whisking off the path and scuttling behind tree-trunks. There were queer noises too, grunts, scufflings, and hurryings in the undergrowth, and among the leaves that lay piled endlessly thick in places on the forest-floor; but what made the noises he could not see. The nastiest things they saw were the cobwebs: dark dense cobwebs with threads extraordinarily thick, often stretched from tree to tree, or tangled in the lower branches on either side of them. There were none stretched across the path, but whether because some magic kept it clear, or for what other reason they could not guess...

The Wizard of Earthsea Trilogy

2005-06-18T18:47:00.000-04:00

by Ursula LeGuin is a beautifully crafted series that came way before the Harry Potter series. In my opinion, her writing style is vastly superior. These stories are written almost as if they were written a hundred years ago although they were written in the 70s. They're carefully crafted, evoke strong imagery, and make a school of wizards believable. They're probably best read by kids who are 12 and up but they are enjoyed by adults as well. Everyone will find something of themselves in Ged, the hero, who sometimes makes some terrible mistakes, but strives to correct them.

Here is an excerpt from "A Wizard of Earthsea", chapter 4:

...The slopes of Roke Knoll went up dark into the darkness of summer night before moonrise. The presence of that hill where many wonders had been worked was heavy, like a weight in the air about them. As they came onto the hillside they thought of how the roots of it were deep, deeper than the sea, reaching down even to the old, blind, secret fires at the world's core. They stopped on the east slope. Stars hung over the black grass above them on the hill's crest. No wind blew.

Ged went a few paces up the slope away from the others and turning said in a clear voice, "Jasper! Whose spirit shall I call?"

"Call whom you like. None will listen to you." Jasper's voice shook a little, with anger perhaps. Ged answered him softly, mockingly, "Are you afraid?"

He did not even listen for Jasper's reply, if he made one. He no longer cared about Jasper. Now that they stood on Roke Knoll, hate and rage were gone, replaced by utter certainty. He need envy no one. He knew that his power, this night, on this dark enchanted ground, was greater than it had ever been, filling him till he trembled with the sense of strength barely kept in check. He knew now that Jasper was far beneath him, had been sent perhaps only to bring him here tonight, no rival but a mere servant of Ged's destiny. Under his feet he felt the hillroots going down and down into the dark, and over his head he saw the dry, far fires of the stars. Between, all things were his to order, to command. He stood at the center of the world.

"Don't be afraid," he said, smiling. "I'll call a woman's spirit. You need not fear a woman. Elfarran I will call, the fair lady of the Deed of Enlad."

"She died a thousand years ago, her bones lie afar under the Sea of Ea, and maybe there never was such a woman."

"Do years and distances matter to the dead? Do the Songs lie?" Ged said with the same gentle mockery, and then saying, "Watch the air between my hands," he turned away from the others and stood still.

In a great slow gesture he stretched out his arms, the gesture of welcome that opens an invocation. He began to speak.

He had read the runes of the Spell of Summoning in Ogion's book, two years and more ago, and never since had seen them. In darkness he had read them then. Now in this darkness it was as if he read them again on the page open before him in the night. But now he understood what he read, speaking it aloud word after word, and he saw the markings of how the spell must be woven with the sound of the voice and the motion of body and hand.

The other boys stood watching, not speaking, not moving unless they shivered a little: for the great spell was beginning to work. Ged's voice was soft still, but changed, with a deep singing in it, and the words he spoke were not known to them. He fell silent. Suddenly the wind rose roaring in the grass. Ged dropped to his knees and called aloud. Then he fell forward as if to embrace earth with his outstretched arms, and when he rose he held something dark in his straining hands and arms, something so heavy that he shook with an effort getting to his feet. The hot wind whined in the black tossing grasses on the hill. If the stars shone now none saw them...

The Unicorn in the Garden

2005-06-14T17:22:00.000-04:00

by James Thurber excerpted from "Fables for Our Time"

Note: Thurber is one of my favorite writers of all time. If you are going to start your kids out reading Thurber, get them either Many Moons (for the very young), The Thirteen Clocks or the White Stag (for kids over 10 years old) . You won't regret it, and they'll love you for it. Thurber has a warm, whimsical style.

Once upon a sunny morning a man who sat in a breakfast nook looked up from his scrambled eggs to see a white unicorn with a golden horn quietly cropping the roses in the garden. The man went up to the bedroom where his wife was still asleep and woke her. "There's a unicorn in the garden," he said. "Eating roses." She opened one unfriendly eye and looked at him. "The unicorn is a mythical beast," she said, and turned her back on him. The man walked slowly downstairs and out into the garden. The unicorn was still there; he was now browsing among the tulips. "Here, unicorn," said the man, and he pulled up a lily and gave it to him.
The unicorn ate it gravely. With a high heart, because there was a unicorn in his garden, the man went upstairs and roused his wife again. "The unicorn," he said, "ate a lily." His wife sat up in bed and looked at him, coldly. "You are a booby," she said, "and I am going to have you put in the booby-hatch." The man, who had never liked the words "booby" and "booby-hatch", and who liked them even less on a shining morning when there was a unicorn in the garden, thought for a moment. "We'll see about that," he said. He walked over to the door. "He has a golden horn in the middle of his forehead," he told her. Then he went back to the garden to watch the unicorn; but the unicorn had gone away. The man sat down among the roses and went to sleep.

As soon as the husband had gone out of the house, the wife got up and dressed as fast as she could. She was very excited and there was a gloat in her eye. She telephoned the police and she telephoned a psychiatrist; she told them to hurry to her house and bring a straight-jacket. When the police and the psychiatrist arrived, they sat down in chairs and looked at her, with great interest. "My husband," she said, "saw a unicorn this morning." The police looked at the psychiatrist and the psychiatrist looked at the police. "He told me it ate a lily," she said. The psychiatrist looked at the police and the police looked at the psychiatrist. "He told me it had a golden horn in the middle of its forehead," she said. At a solemn signal from the psychiatrist, the police leaped from their chairs and seized the wife. They had a hard time subduing her, for she put up a terrific struggle, but they finally subdued her. Just as they got her into the straight-jacket, the husband came back into the house.

"Did you tell your wife you saw a unicorn?" asked the police. "Of course not," said the husband. "The unicorn is a mythical beast." "That's all I wanted to know," said the psychiatrist. "Take her away. I'm sorry, sir, but your wife is as crazy as a jay bird." So they took her away, cursing and screaming, and shut her up in an institution. The husband lived happily ever after.

Moral: Don't count your boobies until they're hatched.